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An Open Letter to Alan Osborne: A Tribute to Our Chaotic History

Dear Alan,

I wish I could say I hope this letter finds you well, but let's be real, that would be utter bullshit.

However, despite the recent friction between us, I felt compelled to write this letter to honor the tumultuous history we share.

Let's dive into the annals of history, shall we?

The tangled web of your infamous partnership with Suzanne Harris is a saga for the ages.

Sometimes I wonder who created whom in this dynamic duo – was Alan Osborne birthed from a test tube by Suzanne, or vice versa?

The quagmire of it all is truly perplexing.

But one thing is certain: John Walton was undeniably spawned from the chaotic union of Alan Osborne and Suzanne.

The irony is rich, my friend.

While you two are busy fuming over my existence, you conveniently forget that you birthed the beast.

Remember that political fundraiser four years ago, Suzanne's harebrained scheme that unwittingly thrust me into the spotlight?

Ah, good times.

I still don't know the crazy lady, but Alan, you're the one who schooled me in the art of political mischief.

And for that, I must express my disappointment.

Not in your behavior – let's face it, I've come to expect nothing less from you – but in the decline of the "Alan Osborne Show."

It's been over two years since I've heard you utter the infamous phrase "butt snorkeling."

What gives, Alan?

You were the master, the maestro of irreverent banter, and now you've gone soft.

But fear not, my worthy adversary.

Legal repercussions may be looming on the horizon for you, but you'll always be a legend in my book.

You've brought a special brand of chaos into my life, and for that, I am grateful.

Our tumultuous relationship embodies the spirit of opposition that keeps the wheels of democracy turning.

So here's to you, sensei.

Thank you for being my unwitting mentor, my chaotic compass in a world of madness.

Our paths may diverge, but your influence will forever shape the fabric of John Walton's legacy.

And if you ever need a dose of my unique brand of chaos, just say the word – or better yet, "butt snorkeling."

Yours in chaos,

John Walton

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